Dating With Dignity

I am always bombarded with questions regarding where to meet Mr. or Miss Right. “Where do I go to meet someone who is real, authentic, and fun?” As this is an important question, lets first dig into what exactly you are looking for in Mr. or Miss Right.

Part of dating with dignity involves the creation of an intentional dating plan. In this plan you must identify what characteristics and values you want your potential partner to possess. Choose no more than five values/characteristics that are non-negotiable, and then when engaging in your search, make sure that the places and activities in which you search reflect those values. For example, if you are interested in meeting someone who values spirituality, create opportunities to meet a spiritual person in a place that embodies this value such as a church, Agape meeting, or workshop held by someone who speaks on topics related to spirituality. What follows, then, are four additional guidelines to use in manifesting your relationship vision.

1. Don’t put your attention on meeting “someone special.” Put your attention on meeting people. According to Malcolm Parks, PH.D., who is a University of Washington communication researcher and author of Personal Relationships and Personal Networks, 75 percent of the people he interviewed who reported they “date extensively” said they had help from a friend. Parks calls this the “social proximity effect,” which holds that the probability of two people meeting is directly proportional to the number of contacts they share. The bottom line? Increase your social network beyond your typical circle of friends as introductions are more likely to come through casual friends than close ones. The secret isn’t blind dates and fix-ups, it’s party invites and casual introductions at places such as the Farmer’s Market, a BBQ or class.

2. Get out of your comfort zone. If the results you have had thus far meeting someone special have netted you mostly disappointment and frustration, take a chance and try something NEW. For example, sign yourself up to be on a coed kickball team where you get assigned to a team without needing to know anyone. If you think selflessness is sexy, join a Meetup.com volunteer group. Ixnay the singles groups; instead look for a group that engages in activities that reflect your interests, and the values of your potential partner. Want to meet someone who is oh so funny? Check out a local improv class. People connect on a deeper level when they share a challenging or new experience, and what could be more challenging than engaging in an improvisational exercise with that nice guy or girl from your class. Thinking about getting in shape, or want to find someone who likes sports? Train for a race. Check out MarathonGuide.com for a list of races, or if you’re not sure what activities you could be interested in, browse Active.com.

3. Venture to places that exist beyond your typical boundaries. If you are stuck in your routine, find yourself in the same Starbucks or Trader Joes week after week, take a new route and land someplace unfamiliar. Vary the places you go to make sure your dating pool isn’t the size of a Dixie cup. Not sure where to go? Check out Yelp.com to find a new cafe, bookstore or market and then become a tourist in your own city. Like music, check out RecordStoreDay.com to find a cool independent music store when you can find a potential partner with whom you might share musical tastes. Go retail to strike up a conversation with someone at REI if you’re into adventure, or perhaps the Apple store if you are seeking a confident techie. Not sure what to say? Ask a question, seek advice, or comment on something interesting you notice about a product. Talk to people. Seek human connection. And of course, remember to smile.

4. Don’t necessarily view the weekend as your optimum time to meet and greet! If you shut down during the week, you are grossly limiting the time you spend connecting with new people. What’s more, satisfaction with your life in general might plummet after months and months of a routine that consists of nothing but work, gym, dinner and bed. Get out. Put your efforts into collecting new experiences rather than phone numbers. Find gallery openings, take a class at a community college, or hit the bookstore. Having a social life between Monday and Friday could be the key to expanding your opportunities to meeting someone new. Looking for more ideas of what to do? Check out FestivalFinder.com, and for those in Los Angeles, try LosAngeles.Going.com.

The key to success? To meet someone who might be a match, take action NOW to diversify your network and routine, remember to be brave, and in the words of Henry David Thoreau, “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.”

By Angelica Martin, Dating With Dignity Marketing Assistant

It’s complicated.

Who hasn’t uttered those two words when confronted with the realization that the perfect man you’ve been dating, with whom you share an intense connection, may not be showing up.

Of course, he’s there. He’s texting, calling you baby, sleeping with you, and maybe even cooking you dinner. You fall asleep in each other’s arms, and you blissfully leave the next morning, more confident than ever in the direction your relationship is heading.

But that’s Tuesday. By Wednesday, he needs to withdraw. By Saturday, your stomach is in knots, wondering where he is and why he hasn’t contacted you. You replay Tuesday’s date over and over again in your mind, looking for some sign, something that you may have missed. Just when you’ve gone over all possible explanations with your girlfriends, and wisely ignored their advice to, “just call him and say hey,” your text message alert goes off:

I miss you.

This may or may not be past 9:00 at night, and more often than not it is past midnight. A smile spreads across your lips, your heart swells, and you scold yourself for being so dramatic. He misses you–he just needed some time. All is right with the world.

Until next week, that is, because this is the pattern. These high-charged shifts between being emotionally available and then withdrawing back into his own little world leave you in a constant state of confused limbo, analyzing what you should or could do to revive Tuesday’s bliss. When a few brave friends question you about his disappearing acts, you respond with:

It’s complicated.

Girl, it is not complicated. This man, this perfect man, for whatever reason, is not in this and probably never was. We can’t do this to ourselves anymore. We can’t pretend we are in relationships with men that are not showing up.

The right person is not enigmatic. The right person shows up, literally and figuratively. The right person calls when he says he’s going to call, and you honestly aren’t left wondering if he will or he won’t. Because he always does. And you will never, ever, have to say, “it’s complicated” with the right person. Because guess what? It’s never complicated. It either is, or it isn’t.

Each April in the mid 1980s, my mom and her best friend, Linda, would jam five kids between the ages of six and sixteen into a rented, vomit-brown Chevrolet minivan with stained velour seats. We would drive nearly 17 hours during this trip from Cedar Rapids, Iowa to Keystone, Colorado in which I would mostly sleep, wake intermittently and then begrudgingly ask , “When….when are we going to be there?”

I didn’t enjoy this drive. Mostly, I simply ignored the camaraderie of the other children while they laughed, played Mad Libs, and half drank cans of lukewarm Tab, crunched their Doritos and chewed the packs of gum our mothers had brought to sustain us on the 17 hour drive. I was bored, so I slept. I slept through the flat Nebraska terrain, layered with varietals of dirt, rubble and oil. Occasionally, I would open my eyes, heavy lids lifting, to see fields, usually bursting with bright yellows, olive, lime and bottle- greens during summer that were brown, russet, and completely barren. Hour upon hour, I drifted in and out of consciousness, the dull milieu never changing. Voices hummed like static. The CB radio cackled. Drivers commenting on the broken pieces of tarmac, or recently fallen snow stained and contaminated from the muck the cars, 18-wheelers and minivans like ours that zipped towards their destinations in Colorado and beyond.

I wanted to skip the night in the Motel-6, squeezed next to my brother on a queen-sized bed with the frayed brown coverlet. I wanted to eradicate time spent at truck-stop diners, pit stops at Pizza Hut and avoid completely the treacherous climb through the Rocky Mountains to Summit County, the home of Keystone Village and Arapahoe Mountain where we would ultimately ski. I wanted to be there.

In the 25 years that have passed since those annual trips to Colorado with my closest friends, I have learned not only to tolerate road trips, but to enjoy them. I now settle into the topography. I imagine faces, the interesting lives of those people who live in towns called Viejo, Morrisville or Chittenango. I take time to talk, connect with fellow journeyers, laugh, even sing. I listen to good music, relish books on tape I’ve wanted to read for longer than forever, or simply talk on the phone to people with whom I never have time for those life-sustaining one-hour long conversations.

I enjoy the journey.

In relationships, too, I have managed to overcome my childhood hate of the trek and the trip itself. I’m now able to put to rest the agonizing question, “when will we be there.” Prior to meeting The Brit I had been divorced, comfortably single with children. I learned to become independent. I created a life I loved filled with friends, spending precious time with family, and creatively exploring things like career, yoga and writing. Then, carefully, tenuously, I made the leap from single to seeking. Relieved to know what I wanted, I learned to successfully date with intention. I knew what I wanted, began to effectively vet out those men who weren’t a match for me.

Then, brilliantly, unexpectedly, The Brit came into my life. Jem had potential, possibilities unlike I had ever experienced. I luxuriated in the early phases of dating, enjoying the anticipation, the wondering, “does he like me as more than friends?” Then there was the first date, first kiss. Butterflies! We discussed exclusivity and soon we began to explore the different mutations of the word relationship. It wasn’t long then before we began the slow, arduous process of intertwining the life I had with my children into the relationship. It was tenuous, often nerve-wracking but I stayed present in each moment, taking it slowly, day by day. We decided to travel together. He met my dad. I learned he was good on trips. I relished in his take-charge attitude, the way he planned excursions, the way he fished with the kids, hooking the fish first then excitedly calling over my daughter to tell her she had a bite. Throughout the summer he hugged me when I cried, missing my mom who had passed away last September.

Then, nearly five months after we began dating, Jem said he loved me. Although it seemed I might burst from wanting to say it first, I was so grateful I had been patient, enjoying the process of getting to those three words, “I love you.” Six months into the relationship, we decided to live together. I cleared a space in my closet, emptied drawers and ecstatically anticipated the day we would move his things from a storage unit into my home.
As I have navigated the twisted pathways of this five-year journey from divorce to dating, and then to finding and experiencing love, I mostly enjoy the journey. Not that it hasn’t occasionally been fraught with periods of sadness, loneliness and the overwhelming fears that I was odd; that I was a person whose cloth wasn’t cut to be in a relationship. Nevertheless, I stayed in the process, relying on my deepest belief that because I had learned to love myself, create a life I loved, and had practiced living with peace, presence and dignity, that love would ultimately come into my life.

But then, something happened. It seemed I had arrived. Tantamount to turning off the ignition for the last time after that prolonged two-day drive to Keystone, Jem and I were living together. We were in love. My kids accepted him. In fact, he was driving them to school. Picking them up when I had to work. He had become my partner. We didn’t fight. There was no drama. It was exactly what I had wanted. In fact, my relationship with Jem was better than anything I could have even imagined possible. I had manifested a relationship beyond my wildest dreams.

Why then, did I wake some mornings wondering what might be next? At 43 years old, I had never experienced life without some sort of relational destination. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel I needed to continue working on becoming a better, more open and communicative partner, because I did. Instead, I had to recognize what it might mean to live in a more three-dimensional place. A place where there was no specific destination, just a curiosity to explore the relationship, the new life I had created, in more deep and meaningful ways. It was difficult though, because for the first time I wasn’t really looking to land in a concrete sort of place, get a specific thing I had thought I always wanted, or even look forward to a specific occasion I had dreamt about. It was more Twilight Zone thinking. Or, to paraphrase Jean Luc Picard, Captain of the Starship Enterprise, I had to “ explore strange new worlds…seek out new life…and boldly go where I had not gone before.”

And so I have.

Each day I appreciate where we are in this relationship. I feel the sensations, vibrating at various frequencies, feeling the nuances, exploring new tacks and turns as I move through the life I have created. I practice staying present, forcing myself some nights to close the laptop, breathe, stop moving. Even though my drive and determination to make my business work takes me far away from connection to Jem, my self, and my children, I stop to kiss Jem, smile, play Jenga with the girls, or laugh with Jem when he interrupts me in the midst of the most mundane task like emptying the dishwasher just to give me a hug, playfully grab me from behind, or chew on the corner of my ear. These days I’m thinking about things like my values. And that if I truly value love and deep heart-to-heart connection then I want to make our relationship a priority. I want to practice loving Jem, just like I practice yoga. Create time, making space knowing I can’t just show up one day, after a week or more expecting I will have the same strength or connection to spirit. I am learning to understand what it takes to have balance in my life. When it’s time to stay in bed past eight to feel Jem’s skin next to mine, and mush my pillow closer to his, just talking, or get to yoga at 7am, leave the warm, soft comforter in the dark to make it on time. I am learning when I need to choose between having lunch with a girlfriend, and knowing when I have to reschedule to attend my kids’ basketball games and volleyball tournaments. There’s time to skip listening to a marketing tele-class, miss yoga, again, and go volunteer in the school library.

These days there is no external destination, no mountain road to climb. There is just the journey I am taking inwards. I am now moving towards a deeper sense of myself. I am questioning how I can live with more integrity, discovering that life is giving me plenty of opportunities to question, create and choose the kind of lover, mother, entrepreneur, writer, daughter, sister, teacher and friend I want to be.

It is a new road I have taken, a new path both unchartered and necessary. And as I walk I remember the words my cousin Joanie wrote in the journal she gave me when I was twelve years old:

“Enjoy the journey, babe. Life is at hand.”

I hosted an incredibly insightful dinner party last night with the Dating With Dignity support team, most of whom are men. In attendance were Christian Anderson, one of your favorite man panelists, Jason Miller, my web designer who is a self-described “Muni,” (he jokingly says he delivers a scroll on which the disclaimer is written on the first date), Chris, a former hunter who turned legit boyfriend last summer, and Mat Boggs, my business coach and creator of the thought-provoking seminar, “6 1/2 Secrets to Cracking the Man Code.” In addition to general banter surrounding the ins and outs of internet marketing, the conversation turned to dating and relationships.

Once again, I was able to reconfirm the number one thing men are CRAVING for when it comes to relationship — a woman who is confident, secure and feminine. They are, in fact, clear on one thing; a woman who, despite her beauty, good humor, kindness and tight butt, needs excessive reassurance is someone who quickly becomes an albatross. These men, who are all incredibly smart, ambitious, talented and handsome, are searching for a woman who loves herself so deeply that she never depends on validation from her partner to make her feel lovable, worthwhile and attractive.

As it is, in fact, my mission to teach women and men to love themselves so that they can attract someone to love, here are a few “signs” you most likely need to focus your efforts on yourself before you embark on a journey towards loving someone else.

1. You ask questions like, “Does this make me look fat,” “Why did you do (or say) that?,” or “Do you still love me?” The Dating With Dignity men joked that these questions, which are commonly asked by women in relationships, are among the most annoying questions a women can ask. They called them a complete, “turn off,” and lamented over the fact that what is most frustrating is there are no answers to these questions that a woman finds acceptable. Stop asking. If your clothes are too tight, you know it. And, unless the few pounds has turned into twenty, the DWD men agreed that they can’t tell if the cookies you ate last night made you feel bloated. Last, don’t ask a man if he loves you. Ever. Words and actions must match. If your man has told you he loves you but begins to pull away, there is a better way to check in on his feelings towards you. And, asking “why” he did or said something makes him feel defensive and childlike. You are not his mother, you are his lover.

2. You say things like, “Just hold me,” even though your man has been spending time with you being affectionate, cuddling and/or giving you attention. Mat Boggs describes it perfectly in his “Cracking the Man Code” Seminar when he states that men need short, attainable goals to feel successful. Men want to please women, in fact, they need to feel like they are your Knight in Shining Armor to keep on keepin’ on. That said, when he does his best to give you attention, holds on to you while you watch Entourage or Monday Night Football, or reads his book nearby while you give yourself a manicure, let him go away when he needs his space. If you are constantly criticizing him and tell him it’s “not enough” he will want to hide long-term. Instead, settle into the time you are together, be present in the moment, and then encourage him to go play Playstation or watch videos on YouTube when you are done with your nails, the show is finished or it’s halftime.

3. You are jealous and weirded out when you see issues of “HFM,” “Maxim,” or “Playboy” in his bedroom, or see old pictures of him with his girlfriend. The truth is, your man had an entire life before you met him. It included ex-lovers, ex-girlfriends, and an array of females who are still his friends. A woman who is threatened by these relationships, past and present, is at risk of turning-off the man with whom they are in love. Your man left those relationships for a reason, and if he consistently shows he loves you, then you have no reason to fear the past. His friends, male and female, are simply not threats.

4. You relate to songs like, “My Life Would Suck Without You,” “No Air,” and “Lost Without Your Love.” The truth is, that when you love yourself and have created an amazing life that is interdependent with your partner’s life, you don’t think your life would suck without him. While you would be appropriately heart broken to lose an important relationship, you know in your heart that “you will survive,” and that even without him your life is truly awesome. You can, then, in fact, breathe when he is no longer your boyfriend, and you will not be lost without his love. When you have a deep sense of self, confidence, a community of friends, a profession you find fulfilling and self love, your life never sucks. Ever.

Have you seen the movie that is currently in release called, “The Invention of Lying?” I saw it last week with Jem and, coincidently, the question of honesty, and “what is the truth,” has been coming up for many Dating With Dignity clients. How honest should you be? Should you disclose everything? If so, when? When it’s “not a match,” should you tell why?

First off, most men and women will say that they want a partner who is honest. In fact, when my clients are creating lists of values they hold as important for themselves and others, honesty ranks in the top five of “must-have’s.” In digging deeper, we typically discuss what honesty looks like to them. Yes, while it seems obvious that honesty is not up for discussion or debate, there are certain situations we discuss in which it might not be necessary or appropriate to tell the absolute truth.

1. How many lovers have you had in the past? When it comes to kiss and tell, discussing your past is not necessary. The past is done, and for most of us it bares no reflection of who we have are now. If you feel that you must know about your partner’s sexual past, ask yourself why it is important? Do you hold judgements that impact your ability to see a potential partner for who they are now? Or, are you holding on to shame or labels from your past? If so, are you projecting these feelings you have about yourself onto someone else? To be a successful dater, you must ensure you don’t bring your past into the present by unconsciously treating someone new as if he or she were all the “bad” men and/or women from your past. If you feel you must know, do not bring up the subject for at least six months into your relationship. This way, both of you know each other quite well and will be able to put information from the past into proper context.

2. When do I discuss STDs? If you have an STD, it is important that you are honest with your partner, when it becomes appropriate and necessary to discuss these issues. Clearly, the topic of sexually transmitted disease is not first date fodder. In fact, do not discuss STD’s until you are dating someone and both of you have agreed that the relationship holds potential for becoming monogamous. Make sure you have this conversation vertical and clothed. It is not something best brought up or discussed in the heat of passion.

3. Are you dating other people? In the 21st century both men and women are dating, a lot. The internet, especially, has made it quite easy for both sexes to have multiple dates in one week. What happens, then, when there is someone with whom you have a connection and want to explore the possibility of relationship. When, if ever, do you let him or her know that you are still dating other people? If you begin to date this person consistently, he or she is someone with whom you would like to continue dating because there is long-term potential, and choose to have sex with him or her, the Dating With Dignity point of view is to make it clear (explicit) that you are still dating other people (if this is true). Typically, men may make the assumption a woman is not sleeping with others if she is having sex with him. If you are a man, and are still dating other people while dating this person, you must be honest, treat her with respect, and enable her to make an informed choice about how she wants to be in the relationship. Perhaps she won’t want to have sex with you if you are still dating others, regardless of whether or not you are having sex with any of the other people you are dating. You do not want this person to mistakenly assume that because you are intimate with each other you are no longer dating other people. Many women will assume that if they have been dating a man consistently and then choose to become intimate, the man is going to be exclusive. None of these assumptions can be made without having an honest discussion, preferably prior to having sex. Again, have this conversation while standing vertically and clothed.

4. If it’s not a match, should you make up an excuse as to why you don’t want to see this person again? Using the words, “it’s not a match,” is a powerful way to politely disengage from someone with whom you are not interested in dating. Lying, neglect, or choosing to ignore phone calls and text messages are not appropriate if you are dating with dignity. If you are looking for someone to treat you the way you deserve to be treated, then don’t play games. As one of the Dating With Dignity Man Panelists stated recently, “If you play games, then you leave us no choice but to do the same.” This holds true for both men and women. It’s the golden rule, “do unto others as you would have them do to you.” As you know, there is nothing worse then wondering why someone didn’t call when they said they would, questioning why he or she flakes repeatedly, or basing your expectations of a relationship’s potential based on false hopes or impressions. Be honest. Tell him or her that it’s not a match, and then create space for someone else to come into your life.

I finally watched an episode of “Cougar Town” last night. Courtney Cox looked, “good for 40 plus,” though oddly plasticized. I must admit I felt quite relieved when my boyfriend, Jem, voiced his disgust at her botox and collagen, telling me he will love me the same when there are less people in the world who tell me I also “look good for 40 plus.” Which thus brings me to a conversation I had with my friend while walking Monday in which we discussed the issue of age, being a cougar, and why it’s OK to be a cougar unless addressed as “cougar” by someone in his twenties!

Here’s my point: Age doesn’t matter, unless it does.

I spent most of my five years as a divorcee dating younger men. My first post-divorce boyfriend in 2004 was 11 years my junior. He did, however, have two children and was also divorced. Mistakenly, I assumed that because he had children and had been through the process of marriage and divorce he had the emotional maturity required to be in a functional relationship. Needless to say, he didn’t. And, quite frankly, I didn’t either. Lesson #1: Just because someone has the same life experiences as you do, does not mean he/she have the maturity that typically comes from having those experiences.

After I dated Junior I tested the waters dating a few men closer to my age. I met a variety of men who belonged to different MANimal species including a few of the Quality Casual types, Mr. Murse (see blog on him below) and those whom I didn’t date more than once and thus could only be put into the category called, ” Excessive Talk About Ex-Wife and Custody Schedules.” During this period I realized once again, that while sharing many of the same life experiences, these men weren’t looking for the same things as me. Some were still recovering from loss, others were enjoying their freedom, and others just “weren’t a match.” Lesson #2: Dating is a skill to be practiced because it enables you to discern your non-negotiables, likes, dislikes and creates opportunities to practice connecting with people, whether or not you want to have them as a romantic partner.

I continued to attract younger men into my life, and it was during this time that I decided who was too young, and who was not. Too young is someone who has never seen an episode of “Happy Days,” or the “Carol Burnett Show.” Too young is someone who spends most of the date telling you he is “really mature,” or texts you at 11:30 pm asking, “where you at?” These men were perfectly appropriate when my relationship goal was to date casually while I was figuring out how I could keep my independence in relationship and determine what I was truly looking for in a partner. Lesson #3: It’s really is fun to realize you can attract younger men, and that you have it in you to stay up past closing time, but critical to recognize that it’s value is just that, a good time.

Once I became ready to be in a relationship and had identified what was negotiable and what was not negotiable, I knew that I would not be an age-ist (someone who dates regardless of age) because I knew that what I was looking for was a more wholistic package. I knew I wanted a man with emotional maturity, someone who didn’t want to have kids of his own, a person who was on a spiritual path, and who lived in Los Angeles. I am now in a relationship with a man who fits the bill in these areas and is eight years younger than me. Of course there are times when I wonder if he will love me when my crinkles turn to wrinkles. Or, if it really does matter that I have let too much time lapse between visits to the colorist. Mostly, however, I am centered and come from a place of self love, knowing that Jem fell in love with me. All of me. The good parts, the parts that are works in progress, as well as the woman who “looks good for 40 plus.” Which brings me to the most important lesson of all; Lesson #4: Most importantly, determine your values, decide what you are looking for in a partner, and then decide if age is important. Because in the end age doesn’t matter, unless it does.

As a coach who tries to be there for her clients during difficult times, I encourage men and women to text or email during the weekends if they need support in living up to the dating/relationship intentions they set for themselves. This weekend was no different.

I have a client, let’s call her Jane, who met a man online a few weeks ago. He had been out of the country since they first “met” online so she had been communicating with him via text and email. During the course of these emails she began to connect with him (let’s call him Brad) because they share similar interests and appear to have the same values. As can be expected, Jane began to really “fall” for Brad, and I thus encouraged her to pull back and wait until he returned to Los Angeles to continue communicating with Brad at length. She didn’t want to engage in a pattern she has which is to begin to see a man as “the one,” before he has even come close to being a candidate for that title.

Once Brad returned to Los Angeles on Thursday, he begin to email and text Jane repeatedly. He didn’t ask her out, however, and Jane grew tired of the emails, telling Brad she wasn’t really a big “fan of texting.” In this text, she also told Brad she was looking forward to speaking with him, and asked him to call her to ” catch up” when he was able. On Saturday, upon returning to her car after her workout, Jane received another text from Brad. As she had both feared– and expected, he hadn’t called her for a date. He sent a text. In fact, Brad apologized in the text for being “last minute,” yet he was hoping she was available to meet for drinks that evening.

Jane was confused and disappointed that Brad had not called. Mostly, however, Jane was afraid because even though she knew she should tell Brad “no,” to the last minute invite via text, her desire to see him was mounting feverishly. It was then that she texted me. We discussed a possible response.

Confidently, Jane replied to Brad texting him, “I already have plans tonight. Call me and let’s make a plan to get together.” xoxo Jane.

A perfect response, given the fact that Brad had ignored her request for a phone call. This text was kind, sweet, polite and communicated the fact that while she was busy, she still was looking forward to meeting him. Once again, it communicated her expectation that he would call.

Moments later Jane texted me to say she felt sick, and that saying no to Brad was, in her words, brutal. Her day became more challenging, as she waited for Brad to call. Again, she texted me to say she was beginning to have doubts about her decisions. She asked me to remind her why she had said no to Brad’s invitation.

I did remind her. I asked Jane what kind of man she wants to have as a partner. In answering she used words like honest, responsible, communicative and loving. I asked her if she felt that Brad had shown these traits in his attempt to meet her. She interrupted me, trying to tell me that in their email exchanges Brad had shown himself to be all of these things. I stopped her mid-sentence.

“Jane,” I said. “It doesn’t matter, really, how Brad showed up for you online or via text. What matters, is this; how is Brad showing up now? Is he, in fact, thus far proving to be a man who is honest, responsible, communicative or loving? Or is he, in actuality, showing up like the other men you have dated, men who have consistently been unavailable, not looking for a long-term committment?

Jane sighed. She was frustrated, angry, and disappointed that Brad might not be who she imagined.

It was 1:37 pm on Saturday when I last texted Jane. I didn’t hear from her again, until Sunday, nearly 24 hours later.

“I wasn’t strong enough, Marni.” she wrote. “I couldn’t do it. I still have so much work to do on myself.”

This time, while she was able to say “no” to Brad (a victory in itself), Jane wasn’t able to follow through on her intention. She discovered it felt horrible to wait. And that, ultimately, the work she needs to do is related to these important new discoveries. When Jane and I have our next session I will remind her that this is just a little mistake. And that mistakes present us with opportunities to learn. Jane learned that when confronted with loneliness and the possibility of losing Brad, even though letting him go might create space for a better match to come into her life, she couldn’t change her behavior. She realized that her fears and the resulting discomfort kept her from doing what was necessary to follow through on her intention.

Bravo Jane. Bravo for trying. Bravo for learning. And bravo for allowing me to share your story so that others can be inspired by your journey.

Have a GREAT week, and for those in Los Angeles, see you at the Dating With Dignity LIVE Ask the Expert Event tonight at 7pm. Until then, keep dating with dignity. It will be worth the effort.