As promised yesterday, I want to share some insights my client made this weekend while we were out “in the field,” together. During the evening’s post mortem coaching session, we agreed that the “pearls” or “ah-ha” moments she had are most likely not unique to her, and thus she has agreed to let me share them here.
As her coach, it was my responsibility to provide her with direct feedback and coaching throughout the evening. The event was a party in the hills of Hollywood. In some respects, it was a stereotypical Hollywood event as there were an array of plasticized 20-something blondes in provocative clothing, and those men in their 40, 50s and older who seemed intent on mingling with the aforementioned blondes. However, upon closer inspection, there were also an incredible number of intelligent, appropriately dressed, well-intentioned men and women who were interested in making deeper connections with other humans. I know this because I met several of them while my client mixed in with the crowd. My client had three main areas in which we decided to work on this particular Sunday night.
1. Appropriate techniques she can use to invite men to approach her. Immediately, my client noticed that when she was interested or attracted to men, she had difficulty making eye contact. In fact, I observed that when men looked at her, she looked down, turning her head away from the man. When prompted to look directly at the potential suitor for three seconds as smile, my client literally could not do it. She realized her blocks in this area were profound.
2. How behaviors impact the image and messages she broadcasts to men. Throughout the evening, my client and I reviewed and discussed several messages we believed other women and men were projecting. Some of the messages were obvious (such as the aforementioned blondes), while others were slightly more intriguing. For example, a tall woman who wore a mid-thigh animal print dress stood over the buffet table investing a large amount of energy into chewing her celery sticks. She did not smile; she was too busy chewing. Understandably, “animal print” woman may have felt awkward because she was standing alone. Nevertheless, her discomfort increased with each stalk of celery she picked up, as her chewing and interest in the buffet table continued to make her completely unapproachable. Ten minutes later “animal print” woman put down the celery, stopped chewing and began to look around the room. She relaxed her shoulders, stood up and lifted her head. She moved approximately four steps away from the buffet table, slightly leaning into a nearby wall. Almost immediately, a nice looking man approached and began to engage her in conversation. My client then became aware of how her movements throughout the party environment were sending powerful messages. Once again, she found herself having difficulty standing alone anywhere in the room, even briefly, which might have made it more simple for men to engage with her. When she did move outside to stand alone it was to smoke a cigarette. Despite her smoking habit, she intends to quit in October, and does not want to attract any man who smokes. Guess who approached my client? A smoker, of course.
3. What messages are her clothes broadcasting? My client was shocked when a man with whom she was talking described her as a “party girl,” during their conversation. As I was standing next to her, I was able to discuss this perception with him once she left the patio. He felt that because of the jeans she was wearing, (They were ripped jeans) she was most likely a big partier. She was also wearing a flashy belt, another accessory which lead him to make this misperception. In fact, my client rarely drinks at all and never uses recreational drugs. Ahhh..the power of clothes, accessories and shoes.
4. In addition, my client became aware of an array of Limiting Beliefs which poisoned her evening. She believed there were no “good men,” at a party in Hollywood. She also believed that all men who are attracted to her, “are not interested in a relationship.” Of course, she attracted each of these types of men into her evening, proving her limiting beliefs to be true. The truth, however, was that there were quality, smart, good looking men at the party. Some of which who were, in fact, looking for a relationship. Bottom line? What you see (perceive) is what you get.
What does this mean to you?
1. Take stock of the messages you are broadcasting. If you want a man to approach you, smile at him. Look at him directly for three seconds. In fact, all the men who provide CoMENtary for Dating With Dignity have asked that women look and smile at them TWICE. Men want an invitation to approach. Smile. Look. Repeat!
2. What are you wearing? While many women want to appear “sexy,” do not dress provocatively. Ensure your clothes aren’t too “high fashion,” and are age appropriate.
3. While standing in a crowd is comforting, make yourself approachable. Go to the bar alone and begin a conversation with the man next to you. Be friendly. Open. Smile. When standing in a circle of friends, OPEN UP the circle. Make sure that there is an entry point. Don’t hide behind the buffet table with a plate in your hand. And, last, PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY. If you are engaged in Facebook, texting, or checking your email men will not approach. Even if you are standing in a group of friends, don’t take out your phone. Practice leaving it in your purse until you are safely in the confines of a bathroom stall. Toilet texting is highly underrated!
4. Become aware of your limiting beliefs. Each opportunity is one in which you can create what you truly desire. See it, just don’t seek it.