By Jason Miller | ComMENtary
Marni calls him Murse. In your own dating life, you’ve known him as Mr. Elusive. That, or simply “WTF? I don’t get this dude”.
But let’s give this man-with-the-most-complicated-heart-since-the-old-testament-version-of-God a Dating With Dignity malias (pronounced: male-lee-us): I introduce to you The Mountain Unicorn.
Muni, for short.
Here’s the short sum on the Muni archetype: he’s the penultimate Seeker. Characterized by Tristan (Brad Pitt) in Legends of the Fall, he refers to his heart in the 3rd person. He resonates with Tristan so thoroughly, in fact, that a true-blue Muni will often borrow a line from the film to attempt a reason for his need to go chase the rainbow over the hill: “the grizzly inside is calling”.
Let’s talk percentages: Muni is 100% male, 100% into females. Muni is 100% loving, 100% extroverted, and 100% introverted (depends on the day). He’s 100% genuine, 100% take-home-to-mom-and-pops-able, and 50% resistant to any form of emotional accountability. Yes, an even 50% on that last one. Hence, the petals game: He loves me, he loves me not…
But here’s the truth of the matter – and this is key, my friendly woman reader – the Mountain Unicorn we call Muni does in fact love you. He does! The problem is, you expect his love to fit the mold of all those other relationships you’ve experienced.
Note to self: Muni men by their very nature do not fit in molds.
Before we get into how to deal with this unique creature, let’s first examine how to discern whether or not you’re attempting to be with a Muni. Yes, I give you the official Muni quiz:
- Does the guy refer to his heart in the 3rd-person?
- Has the guy’s 3rd person “Heart” done a 180 on you roughly six hundred times?
- When “Heart” does the 180, does he say (rather convincingly, rather emphatically, rather sincerely) that he’s just as confused about his behavior as you are?
- Does he adore nature? (As in, sometimes you wonder if he loves the tree he’s hugging more than he does you…)
- Is he honest by default? (As in, you don’t ever have a choice – you’re going to get it exactly as he feels it?)
- Does he use the word “feel” roughly 10x more than any other straight guy you’ve met/dated?
- Is he a Pisces? Is his Chinese horoscope animal a horse? (Both, you say? Seek counseling.)
- Has he ever used any of the following phrases: “I love you, but I can’t do this right now”, “I know this sounds cliché, but this honestly has nothing to do with you…it’s all me”, or “I can’t figure my heart out…it’s so flighty, so unpredictable”?
- Does he need a ton of space?
- When he’s in your space, is he ton-bit needy?
- Do some of your friends describe him as “curious”, “random”, or “melodramatic”?
- Is he pretty much the least jealousy-oriented dude you’ve ever dated?
- Are a good chunk of his turn-ons ass-backwards from anything you’ve experienced with other guys?
- On your first date, did he openly confide to you (whilst shaking his head and looking deeply into the bread basket): “My heart is complicated.” (Follow up question: Did you think he was kidding?)
Ok, so here’s the deal: If you answered yes to at least half of the quiz, then yea though I walk through the valley of Muni, you have yourself a unicorn to catch.
Note to self: Mountain Unicorns cannot be caught…not in the traditional sense, at least.
Are you involved with a Muni Man? Don’t worry, my next edition of the ComMENtary will break down The 3 Rules for Engaging a Mountain Unicorn (with Favorable Results)
…TO BE CONTINUED.
About the Author:
Jason Miller is the co-creator of the documentary film and non-fiction book, “Project Everlasting: Two Bachelors Discover the Secrets of America’s Greatest Marriages”. (www.projecteverlasting.com) Born March 2nd, 1978, he is an avid member of the Mountain Unicorns! Foundation (MUF).