I spent the last few days doing what I do quite well; coaching men and women through a break up. Perhaps Sunday night was simply the culmination of an unknown cosmic universal force, resulting in “Break Up Weekend;” a time in which the stars and moon aligned to create new space in the lives of several of my clients.
The Toss In
In the game of life, tossing in the cards or “throwing in the towel” is one of the most challenging places to be. Endings can be painful and uncomfortable, triggering the most powerful messages from your inner critic; negative self-talk that can dominate during times of extreme pain and sadness. Whether a breakup is inevitable or a complete shock, men and women are rarely ready for this significant phase in their life to end. As a result there is an onslaught of negative thinking, fear, sadness and desperation. “I’m too old to begin a new relationship,” “He or she was the best I’ll ever have,” or “I’ll never find someone else to love,” are common Limiting Beliefs men and women hold when experiencing a breakup. Time spent in the “toss in” is painful as we grieve the loss of hope, fantasies and the relationship itself. If you are in The Toss In, consider exploring this process to help you move forward:
1. What are the characteristics of a relationship you admire? List them on paper. Identify the five characteristics that are most important to you.
2. Can these characteristics be described as values you hold in regard to relationship?
3. Did this relationship provide you with these things, most of the time you together?
4. Try this experiment. Imagine you have awakened from a night’s rest and the sadness you were experiencing was miraculously overcome while you were sleeping. You wake up, knowing something is different; that something must have shifted during the night. What is the first thing you notice that confirms something did happen. How do you feel? What thoughts are going through your mind? What actions do you take? How do you live your life with these new thoughts and feelings?
5. Ask yourself if you are willing to create space in your life to allow this type of relationship, these types of feelings to exist in the future.
6. Break through Limiting Beliefs. Understand that choosing to live in fear and worry will close off the outflow of new possibilities. Make a conscious choice to stop living from a place of lack. Agree to begin living from a place of abundance.
The Shuffle – A Time to Heal
Once the cards have been tossed in, an invitation exists to pick up the cards and begin again. This phase in the cycle of change is called “The Shuffle,” a period of healing which provides a time to heal, reflect and create space to re-design your life. I often ask clients to question their Limiting Beliefs and consider if, in fact, they believe these thoughts to be true in their hearts. Most often, as time passes and hearts begin to mend, their answers are, “no.” Ultimately, The Shuffle offers opportunities to live life by design, rather than by default. As you begin to Shuffle, consider these questions:
1. What is your number one relationship goal? Marriage? Family? Finding a long-term relationship? Living with a partner without marriage? Identify your specific goal and put it in writing.
2. Clarify your values. Create a list of five values you must share with your next partner. This will be your “non-negotiable” list when you begin dating again.
3. Begin to enjoy your new life. Spend time with friends. Spend time alone. Become comfortable in who you are. Live from a space of abundance, joy and peace. Begin to develop an appreciation for who you are becoming as you prepare for the next phase of the your life.
While pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. With loss comes the possibility to have something new in your life; the love you deserve. Toss in the cards. Grieve. Then, let “The Shuffle” begin.