Dating With Dignity

One of the most alluring, yet dangerous MANimals to date is the Hunter. The Hunter is attractive, could “look good on paper” and can turn on the charm without hesitation. What’s more, he is a master at enticing women into the Faux Relationship. A Faux Relationship is one in which The Hunter receives girlfriend privileges, such as companionship, sex and Geisha-Girl type services without having to make a commitment.

If you find yourself dating a Hunter, you may:
1. occasionally cook him dinner, bring him his favorite coffee. or pick up take-out while he watches Monday Night Football (Geisha Girl Behaviors) The Hunter rarely, if ever, reciprocates.
2. believe that you can change his behaviors, even though he has no desire to change.
3. accept crumbs, believing that tiny morsels of attention are enough because he claims he is “busy,” “has lots of friends,” or is “temporarily short on cash.”
4. inherently believe that you are “different,” or “special,” which will ultimately result in the Hunter joyfully abandoning his commitment to singledom once he “comes ’round” to this realization.

One of the biggest signs you are dating a Hunter is that he will issue a Disclaimer once you have had sex, if not before. The Disclaimer conversation may look something like this:

Hunter: “I really like you Sue. You are one of the most amazing women I have met.”

Sue: “You’re amazing…this is amazing.” She looks deeply into his eyes, inciting panic in the Hunter

Hunter: He pulls back, returning her gaze. “It’s just, right now is not the time for me to be in a relationship. I’m focused on my career.” (insert any reason here including just took new job, ended previous relationship, moved to new apartment etc.)

Sue: “It’s cool. It’s fine.” She smiles, kissing him. (This is where Sue believes once he gets to know how amazing she is, Hunter will become ready to be in a relationship with her.)

Last, you can be sure you are engaging with a Hunter if the dating process like this:

1. The Hunter mostly asks you out via text, email or IM. He rarely calls “just to chat.”
2. He rarely invites you on a date in advance. Most often, dates do not occur on weekends. Late night calls on weekends are frequent.
3. He will spend time with you, after he spends time with friends. As a result, he may not see you before 10 pm.
4. Dates frequently consist of “hanging out,” watching movies etc. Ultimately, for obvious reasons, the Hunter wants you to come to his apartment rather than go out.

Throughout this dating experience, you may feel like you are on an exciting, dangerous Safari adventure. The Faux Relationship provides adventure, big ups, and lows that are dramatic. Just when you’ve had enough, however, the Hunter will reel you in. He will be charming, dole out more crumbs, take you on a lovely date, and declare that you, in fact, are special. The Hunter is adept at knowing when he must act the role of boyfriend in order to keep you near his cave.

Take note Dignity Daters. The Hunter, however, is NOT a jerk.

He has been honest, issued the disclaimer and made no promises to change. It is you who has agreed to accept crumbs. If your long-term relationship goal is to be involved in a committed, monogamous relationship, sever ties with The Hunter. Take responsibility for doing what is necessary to create space for a man who has similar goals to come into your life.

I have been recently asked how one knows if she/he is dating with dignity. Take this official Dating With Dignity Cosmo-style quiz to see how you rate.

1. It’s Saturday night, and your friends all seem to have dates while you are home alone. Are you:

a. Glad for the free time alone with TiVo, a good book or bath and glass of wine?
b. Sorrowfully watching romantic comedies, wishing the story could be your life?
c. On-line madly joining dating services, instant messaging with prospects, chatting on Facebook or cyber stalking the gal/guy you met last night?

2. Which best describes your last 3 relationships?

a. He calls to tell you that he had a really bad day, but “just can’t talk about it,” so he’ll call you tomorrow.
b. You have tried to call him for three days and haven’t heard back from him — yet. He’s really busy.
c. He calls you on the way home from a hard day at work, but wants to see you, have dinner and hear about YOUR day.

3. When it comes to sleeping together, which best describes your approach?

a. You wait until you are sure this is someone with whom you want to be long-term, and then have a discussion about sex while you are both vertical and clothed.
b. You brag to your friends that you actually waited TWO whole weeks.
c. Why should i wait? I am a sexually active, independent person who knows what I want.

4. Out of the last 5 dates I have gone on, I have initiated:

a. All five. In the 21st century women don’t need to wait to be asked on a date.
b. 2-3. I waited three days for him to call, but couldn’t hold open my calendar so I left him a message.
c. zero. He has to pursue me via phone or in-person once I have made it clear that I am interested.

5. When he doesn’t treat you the way you deserve, do you:

a. Stop dating. (let him know it’s not a match) Create space for someone else to come into your life who will meet your expectations and relationship goals.
b. Try to teach this old dog, “new tricks,” hoping that he will change.
c. Talk to him, but accept this as his “style,” thinking you might be expecting too much to begin with.

Score Your Quiz…

Question 1:

a = 3
b = 2
c = 1

Question 2:

a = 2
b = 1
c = 3

Question 3:

a= 3
b = 2
c = 1

Question 4:

a = 1
b = 2
c = 3

Question 5:

a = 3
b = 1
c = 2

Are You Dating With Dignity?

13-15 Points Diggin’ It! You always date with dignity.
Congrats! You have the dating thing licked and could be an inspiration to your friends. It’s only a matter of time before the right relationship manifests itself.

11-12 Points Workin’ It! You are sometimes stumped, but ultimately listen to your intuition.
Bravo! While sometimes dating seems confusing, you are adept at listening to your intuition. You aren’t stymied by limiting beliefs or the inner critic that sometimes try to discourage you from standing in your feminine power. There are, however, a few polishing issues you need to address to eradicate those behaviors which stand in the way of you truly attracting the love you deserve.

5-10 Points Doin’ the Shuffle! You are tired of making mistakes repeatedly, and are ready to learning new ways to date with dignity.
Past relationships may have nearly killed you, but you are beginning to open to the possibility of something new. You have typically been a person who is dying to be in a relationship, even if that guy isn’t emotionally available. You are beginning to realize that, in fact, some men may be beyond reform and that you deserve more than crumbs.

Whatever your score, you are in the right place. If you are ready to put an end to “morning after” play-by-play, remove the words, “I wonder what that means,” from your dating vocabulary, and want to live from a place of self love and confidence, then become an active part of this community. Leave a comment, take a teleclass, call me about coaching programs or attend a Dating With Dignity event. I’m your Dignity Dating Guru….teaching you how to love yourself, so you can find someone to love.

See you tomorrow. And to my Jewish friends….I hope your holiday was filled with family, love and the magnificent vision of what the new year can bring.

The Dating Den, September 25, 2009: How to Approach With Confidence from marni battista on Vimeo.

Today at 3pm PCT you have an incredible opportunity to find out if, in fact, there is such thing as a perfect match!

Isn’t every cell in your love-sick bod screaming to know if this is possible? Should you, in some cases, settle for not so perfect? Is chemistry the most important component in choosing a partner for long-term love? I will be doing my Oprah-style interview with Los Angeles’ most successful, hip and insightful matchmakers, Katie and May, who do the one-on-one matching at Catch Matchmaking. The questions we have received thus far are intriguing, and I am looking forward to help you best identify those characteristics that make a good match.

One thing is for certain, the dating process is a truly exciting adventure. While fraught with pebbles, twigs and often boulders, understanding and taking responsibility for walking a path that is most true to your heart will lead to the place you desire.

Go to askcatchmatchmaking.com now to type in your questions. Not available at 3pm today, no worries. A recording of the call will be made available to you soon.

Have a blessed day. See you at 3pm pst.

As promised yesterday, I want to share some insights my client made this weekend while we were out “in the field,” together. During the evening’s post mortem coaching session, we agreed that the “pearls” or “ah-ha” moments she had are most likely not unique to her, and thus she has agreed to let me share them here.

As her coach, it was my responsibility to provide her with direct feedback and coaching throughout the evening. The event was a party in the hills of Hollywood. In some respects, it was a stereotypical Hollywood event as there were an array of plasticized 20-something blondes in provocative clothing, and those men in their 40, 50s and older who seemed intent on mingling with the aforementioned blondes. However, upon closer inspection, there were also an incredible number of intelligent, appropriately dressed, well-intentioned men and women who were interested in making deeper connections with other humans. I know this because I met several of them while my client mixed in with the crowd. My client had three main areas in which we decided to work on this particular Sunday night.

1. Appropriate techniques she can use to invite men to approach her. Immediately, my client noticed that when she was interested or attracted to men, she had difficulty making eye contact. In fact, I observed that when men looked at her, she looked down, turning her head away from the man. When prompted to look directly at the potential suitor for three seconds as smile, my client literally could not do it. She realized her blocks in this area were profound.

2. How behaviors impact the image and messages she broadcasts to men. Throughout the evening, my client and I reviewed and discussed several messages we believed other women and men were projecting. Some of the messages were obvious (such as the aforementioned blondes), while others were slightly more intriguing. For example, a tall woman who wore a mid-thigh animal print dress stood over the buffet table investing a large amount of energy into chewing her celery sticks. She did not smile; she was too busy chewing. Understandably, “animal print” woman may have felt awkward because she was standing alone. Nevertheless, her discomfort increased with each stalk of celery she picked up, as her chewing and interest in the buffet table continued to make her completely unapproachable. Ten minutes later “animal print” woman put down the celery, stopped chewing and began to look around the room. She relaxed her shoulders, stood up and lifted her head. She moved approximately four steps away from the buffet table, slightly leaning into a nearby wall. Almost immediately, a nice looking man approached and began to engage her in conversation. My client then became aware of how her movements throughout the party environment were sending powerful messages. Once again, she found herself having difficulty standing alone anywhere in the room, even briefly, which might have made it more simple for men to engage with her. When she did move outside to stand alone it was to smoke a cigarette. Despite her smoking habit, she intends to quit in October, and does not want to attract any man who smokes. Guess who approached my client? A smoker, of course.

3. What messages are her clothes broadcasting? My client was shocked when a man with whom she was talking described her as a “party girl,” during their conversation. As I was standing next to her, I was able to discuss this perception with him once she left the patio. He felt that because of the jeans she was wearing, (They were ripped jeans) she was most likely a big partier. She was also wearing a flashy belt, another accessory which lead him to make this misperception. In fact, my client rarely drinks at all and never uses recreational drugs. Ahhh..the power of clothes, accessories and shoes.

4. In addition, my client became aware of an array of Limiting Beliefs which poisoned her evening. She believed there were no “good men,” at a party in Hollywood. She also believed that all men who are attracted to her, “are not interested in a relationship.” Of course, she attracted each of these types of men into her evening, proving her limiting beliefs to be true. The truth, however, was that there were quality, smart, good looking men at the party. Some of which who were, in fact, looking for a relationship. Bottom line? What you see (perceive) is what you get.

What does this mean to you?

1. Take stock of the messages you are broadcasting. If you want a man to approach you, smile at him. Look at him directly for three seconds. In fact, all the men who provide CoMENtary for Dating With Dignity have asked that women look and smile at them TWICE. Men want an invitation to approach. Smile. Look. Repeat!

2. What are you wearing? While many women want to appear “sexy,” do not dress provocatively. Ensure your clothes aren’t too “high fashion,” and are age appropriate.

3. While standing in a crowd is comforting, make yourself approachable. Go to the bar alone and begin a conversation with the man next to you. Be friendly. Open. Smile. When standing in a circle of friends, OPEN UP the circle. Make sure that there is an entry point. Don’t hide behind the buffet table with a plate in your hand. And, last, PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY. If you are engaged in Facebook, texting, or checking your email men will not approach. Even if you are standing in a group of friends, don’t take out your phone. Practice leaving it in your purse until you are safely in the confines of a bathroom stall. Toilet texting is highly underrated!

4. Become aware of your limiting beliefs. Each opportunity is one in which you can create what you truly desire. See it, just don’t seek it.

While I considered blogging this morning about my weekend working with clients in the field as wing-girl, I decided it can wait until tomorrow. Foremost on my mind today is this; today marks 12 months since my mom passed away after her 9-month battle with lung cancer. While I know you come to this website to receive insights into dating and how to effectively bring love into your life, I thought I would share one of the most important lessons I learned from my mother. A lesson she would teach you if she could. In fact, she would probably invite you into her kitchen, sit you down at the circular glass table in the nook, then chat with you effortlessly while she prepared something spectacular for you to eat from her well-stocked freezer, refrigerator and pantry.

I could write a novel filled with the lessons my mother taught me. She taught me that two wrongs don’t make it right. She taught me to be nice. She taught me to write thank you notes. She taught me to have levels when setting a buffet table. She taught me to hire help to clean up after, whenever possible. She taught me to be an energizer bunny. She taught me to be a free-spirt. She taught me knit one, purl two, crack and bam. She taught me to say yes. She taught me that resting is possibly overrated when done too often. She taught me that using china can make a dinner party an event people will long remember. There’s more. My mom gave me her great genes, olive, smooth skin, delicate hands, long fingers, a pretty face that I have been blessed to pass to my children.

And while my mother gave me all these incredible gifts, I never stopped to really think of them as gifts until three years ago. It was during a residential spiritual retreat called the Hoffman Process that I stopped, finally, to take a look inside myself to uncover what I really had learned from my parents, and most importantly, to find some connection to my mother. Pegged as the clone of my father for my entire life, I was frusterated by my inability to connect with my mother, the women was was the mistress of making connections. What was missing? And then, a miracle occurred. Right there, in the middle of the redwoods in Napa, California. It hit me. Compassion. My mother’s compassion for others was immense, yet I had not yet found the ability to be compassionate, to myself, or to others. For days I dug deeply, searching desperately for what I knew my mother had given me. And then, the miracle. Compassion. There it was, alive in me. In fact, I was compassionate. And I could learn from her to exercise that compassion. To make that compassion strong, powerful, and as alive in me as it was in her. And in developing this compassion for others I came to have compassion for her. Compassion for all she sacrificed so that everyone – every single person she touched would be happy and feel loved – unconditionally. She wasn’t weak. She was powerful. She could put aside any difference to see the beauty in each person. To see their soul. She saw mine, even when I was not my best or highest self. When I was in high school and she received the brunt of troubles, my mother loved me. Unconditionally. My mom could find the best in a person, in any situation, no matter what they had done, and hold them high on a pedestal—honoring them in all his or her glory. Upon completing the Hoffman Process on that Friday in December, 2006, I rushed…literally running to my room to pick up the phone.

“Mom,” I said. “I love you. Many times I pushed your love away. I know this hurt you..and for this…I’m so sorry.”

To this my mother replied in her beautiful strong voice, filling with sweet relief, “It’s what I wanted Marni. I only wanted you to let me love you.” My mom wanted little. She just wanted people to let her love them, and as those who knew her first-hand can tell you, it was so very very easy to do.

It was then that I truly came to marvel at, and admire her incredible sensitive side, and a heart so big I thought it might burst with love. So, what will I take with me, share with you? What gift of all these gifts? It’s the gift of connection. Connection to others through compassion. For if I can have compassion than I can honor my mother, and live my life as she would, so that as she watches over me, she smiles and says as she did whenever she taught me something new,

”Perfect…marni….that was perfect.”

Here’ s the truth dignity daters; whether you choose to believe it, or not, is up to you.

All men are not jerks.
Women are attracted to men who are nice, polite and respectful.

It seems, however, the most common reactions to the frustrations of dating come from a place of blame. It’s easier, somehow, to believe that what we have experienced is the absolute truth. That this truth then applies to all situations. We begin to assume that because it has happened to us before, it will happen again. We find ourselves engaged in a vicious cycle, a hamster wheel of sorts, in which we transmit our negative beliefs repeatedly, attracting more proof of our negative belief system into our lives. We repeatedly make choices to see ourselves has victims of circumstance, location, bad parents or a recession, and then view everything through this one-dimensional point of view.

I have good news!

You have the power to see your dating life, your entire life, in 3D. Put on those 3D glasses and revel in the breadth and depth of possibilities. You are the product of your belief system. As you jump off the hamster wheel, you can begin to create the world you see. Here’s how:

1. Begin to expect the positive. Quantum physics proves the world is a creation of your perceptions. Shift your beliefs accordingly. Expect that men are respectful. Believe women to be appreciative and kind. Create your positive world in making affirming, upbeat interpretations of the experiences life provides. If a man approaches you smile, interpret the gesture as kindness. Nothing more, nothing less.

2. Focus on finding peace and joy. Begin to take stock of all that is good in the world. Notice the mother and daughter who laugh together over shared ice cream cones. Acknowledge a driver who pauses to let someone cross the street. Bring this peace and joy into your conversations with members of the opposite sex. Be positive. Share what you notice with him or her. The results will be astounding.

3. Incorporate time for gratitude into your daily ritual. Taking time during your day to acknowledge those things for which you are grateful enables you to shift negative thoughts, beliefs, feelings and actions into positive, healing, energy. In turn, this positive energy will attract like, positive energy, transforming the messages you broadcast to members of the opposite sex. As a result of this transformation, you will begin to attract optimistic, upbeat, like-minded people who share your positive, buoyant view of life itself.

When you leave your house this weekend to go on a date, hiking with friends, to sit in the coffee shop, or for a walk in your neighborhood, don’t forget your keys. Your wallet. Of course, bring your purse. But most important, bring your 3D glasses. Put them on. Choose to see possibility. See love. Choose to create the world in which you want to live.

There is much going on behind the scenes at Dating With Dignity to help me fulfill my purpose on this planet, which is to bring more love, light and dignity into the world. Without incredible support from my “behind the scenes” team, it would be difficult for me to share the important tools, strategies and techniques you need to date and participate in relationships successfully. What’s most interesting, and quite honestly, fun, about the team I’ve built, is that they are men. Men who are not only intelligent, respectful, and sensitive, but who date and engage in relationships with dignity. In addition to my number one cheerleader and boyfriend, Jem, there is my Business coach, Mat Boggs, incredibly reliable go-to guy, Aaron, the many Man Panelists I work with who provide COMmentary at Dating With Dignity events, and Jason Miller, the man who is the brilliance behind the vision and execution for making this website come to life.

I intend to introduce them all to you via this blog, and thus today you have the pleasure of getting inside the mind of Jason Miller, Chief Creative Officer of Peaceful Media. Jason has contributed two posts describing how to successfully identify and date “Mr. Elusive.” Mr. Elusive is different from “Mr. Quality Casual,” because he often states he wants a relationship yet isn’t willing to commit to exclusivity. He thrives on girlfriend privileges, often acts the part of boyfriend quite well, but will directly tell you he isn’t comfortable, or ready for commitment. Jason believes, however, that you can engage in a relationship with “Mr. Elusive,” if it is managed properly. I invite your comments.

Read on.

Introducing “Mr. Elusive,” or as Jason refers to himself, the Mountain Unicorn, Mr. Muni.

By Jason Miller | ComMENtary

1. Prepare for Flight

So here’s the scenario…

Loverboy is at your place, enjoying a late breakfast with you, laughing with you, touching you, looking at you in ways for which you’ve been waiting a really, really long time.  You turn around for a minute to make some herbal tea, and, ok, also to hide that big ol’ smile taking over your entirety.

No need to be coy though; Loverboy’s smiling big, too.  He watches you doing your thing, appreciating the way you always smell each of the tea boxes.  He adores your unique peccadilloes and often tells you so.

Then this man who adores you looks out your kitchen window.  He is dreaming of you and himself in the future, together, until the morning light through the alder tree catches his eye. He notices a dark storm cloud hovering over the forested mountain horizon. A new romance has entered his vision and it has nothing to do with the flesh.

Loverboy launches from his chair, folds his half-eaten slice of multi-grain wheat toast covered with marionberry jam into a neat square and stuffs it in his shirt breast pocket, then climbs out of the window into the yard.  A wave of inspiration overcomes him as he gazes at a vibrant rainbow that appears to have sprung from the earth just ten feet away from your window. Without a sound, he strips off his clothing, tosses his belongings into the bushes (except for the toast – he holds on to that), and gallops up into the mountains to seek the other end of the rainbow.

Naturally, you’re left wondering a few things:

a) Why he left;

b) When he’ll return;

c) What did I do wrong?

d) Why do I date frickin’ Mountain Unicorns?

Answers:

a) He felt a deep longing for something inexplicable (note: said “something inexplicable” is 99.9% sure to be something besides another human being);

b) When he’s exhausted his desire to find the other end of the rainbow;

c) Nothing.  I’m serious!  Nothing.

d) For the same reason that you like surprise parties? Wait for it…wait for it…SURPRISE!!

Note to self: Munis chase rainbows, not women.

What’s confusing here is that sometimes you are the rainbow. You know those days where he’s irresistibly loving and charming and emotionally connected with you?  That day, that week, that month, maybe even that full year, you are the rainbow.  You and, sometimes more importantly, the ideals that you represent – love, soul spelunking, vulnerability, nurturing, validation (huge, btw), devotion, shared growth, shared meaning – are all that he is seeking.

The beginning of a Muni romance is heavenly, intoxicating, and misrepresentative.  When Muni decides that you are his rainbow to chase, he falls for you quickly and without compromise. Enraptured by the feelings and sudden rush of finding the end of a rainbow (you), he shares his heartfelt “I love you” much earlier than you’d normally be comfortable with, but “this time it feels like it’s so right”.  His openness, his eyes adoring you at all times, all of his behavior patterns come together to give you conviction: I’ve found the man of my dreams. The only thing you’re still trying to figure out is how the heck this guy could have possibly stayed single for as long as he did.

Note to self: You are the rainbow today. Tomorrow, just a woman he loves.

“In contrast to the times when you were energetically with me, connected to me and us, your moments of unavailability felt as if you were kicking me in the stomach.”

~ A Woman I Loved

It broke my heart to hear it, lying there next to this dear woman I’d loved so deeply.  We’d been broken up for about a year, which seemed to be the right amount of time to finally discover the words to explain our decisions to separate.  Our relationship had lasted about a year and a half, but the last few months of it seemed to be hit or miss and, ultimately, the contrast was too sharp for her to bear and too mysterious for me to fix.

Hit or miss. It’s a common trait of the Muni man.  (…Or woman.  I’ve recently recognized that Mountain Unicorns are open to all genders…more on this later!)  It’s never that we’re “bad” to you – we don’t get angry much, we don’t yell at you, we hate to hurt you – it’s just that we’re not always around to be “good”.  And that, as you know, is maddening.

On one hand, we can be so dang phenomenal at putting you on the pedestal and showing you how much we care.  In these moments, you are the treasure on the other side of the rainbow.  Your happiness and our connection is all we seek.  My good God it feels great and it feels right and it feels like it could never, ever go away. Ever.

On the other hand, you have to realize Mountain Unicorn is a Seeker.  He (or she) will eventually require an adventure into the unknown, a foray into the dark, forested regions of his heart and soul, in order to quench his deepest thirsts.

If you’re a self-respecting woman, you’re probably asking yourself: Why in the world would any woman put up with this pumpkin pie nonsense? Trust me, Muni asks himself the same thing.  And it’s questions like this that give reason for his distinct dating phases – multi-year jaunts of celibacy, multi-month fascinations with hyper-dating or makeout banditting or lovemaking, multi-week revisitations to old loves (if only in his mind), etc. These phases, coincidentally, are again just rainbows, ideals that he figures need to be, have to be, are simply required to be (by the laws of nature!) flushed out and experienced.  All this so that he can know himself and live a mantra so wonderfully and simply quoted as so:

Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth.

~ Thoreau

Like Henry D., Muni is an idealist. His ideal is to be true, and he’ll do everything he can to not compromise on this, even break up with you despite the fact that he loves you wholeheartedly.  He does not feel like he can give you his truth unless he knows it thoroughly and resoundingly for himself.  This is why he chases rainbows.

So, lesson #1: Prepare yourself for Muni’s hit or miss flightiness. Rule #1: Be aware.  He may not be able to communicate what’s going on with his confusing friend, Mr. Heart, but that doesn’t mean you have to be unaware.  When you are aware of the Mountain Unicorn’s ways, his pullback will feel less like a kick in the stomach, perhaps more like a pinch in the arm.

And, of course, any Dating With Dignity woman always asks herself: Is it worth it? I’m a Muni, and I’ve been told it’s not.  To that, I can only say: Thank you for giving me truth.

This lesson in Muni-dating is about opening awareness to the Mountain Unicorn way.  In the next article for Dating with Dignity, I’ll give you the most important asset you’ll need in order to create a loving, workable relationship with a Muni.

…TO BE CONTINUED.

About the Author:

Jason Miller is the co-creator of the documentary film and non-fiction book, “Project Everlasting: Two Bachelors Discover the Secrets of America’s Greatest Marriages”. (www.projecteverlasting.com)  Born March 2^nd, 1978, he is an avid member of the Mountain Unicorns! Foundation (MUF).

By Jason Miller | ComMENtary

Marni calls him Murse.  In your own dating life, you’ve known him as Mr. Elusive.  That, or simply “WTF? I don’t get this dude”.

But let’s give this man-with-the-most-complicated-heart-since-the-old-testament-version-of-God a Dating With Dignity malias (pronounced: male-lee-us): I introduce to you The Mountain Unicorn.

Muni, for short.

Here’s the short sum on the Muni archetype: he’s the penultimate Seeker.  Characterized by Tristan (Brad Pitt) in Legends of the Fall, he refers to his heart in the 3^rd person.  He resonates with Tristan so thoroughly, in fact, that a true-blue Muni will often borrow a line from the film to attempt a reason for his need to go chase the rainbow over the hill: “the grizzly inside is calling”.

Let’s talk percentages: Muni is 100% male, 100% into females. Muni is 100% loving, 100% extroverted, and 100% introverted (depends on the day).  He’s 100% genuine, 100% take-home-to-mom-and-pops-able, and 50% resistant to any form of emotional accountability.  Yes, an even 50% on that last one.  Hence, the petals game: He loves me, he loves me not…

But here’s the truth of the matter – and this is key, my friendly woman reader – the Mountain Unicorn we call Muni does in fact love you.  He does!  The problem is, you expect his love to fit the mold of all those other relationships you’ve experienced.

Note to self: Muni men by their very nature do not fit in molds.

Before we get into how to deal with this unique creature, let’s first examine how to discern whether or not you’re attempting to be with a Muni.  Yes, I give you the official Muni quiz:

• Does the guy refer to his heart in the 3^rd-person?
• Has the guy’s 3^rd person “Heart” done a 180 on you roughly six hundred times?
• When “Heart” does the 180, does he say (rather convincingly, rather emphatically, rather sincerely) that he’s just as confused about his behavior as you are?
• Does he adore nature?  (As in, sometimes you wonder if he loves the tree he’s hugging more than he does you…)
• Is he honest by default?  (As in, you don’t ever have a choice – you’re going to get it exactly as he feels it?)
• Does he use the word “feel” roughly 10x more than any other straight guy you’ve met/dated?
• Is he a Pisces?  Is his Chinese horoscope animal a horse? (Both, you say? Seek counseling.)
• Has he ever used any of the following phrases: “I love you, but I can’t do this right now”, “I know this sounds cliché, but this honestly has nothing to do with you…it’s all me”, or “I can’t figure my heart out…it’s so flighty, so unpredictable”?
• Does he need a ton of space?
• When he’s in your space, is he ton-bit needy?
• Do some of your friends describe him as “curious”, “random”, or “melodramatic”?
• Is he pretty much the least jealousy-oriented dude you’ve ever dated?
• Are a good chunk of his turn-ons ass-backwards from anything you’ve experienced with other guys?
• On your first date, did he openly confide to you (whilst shaking his head and looking deeply into the bread basket): “My heart is complicated.”  (Follow up question: Did you think he was kidding?)

Ok, so here’s the deal: If you answered yes to at least half of the quiz, then yea though I walk through the valley of Muni, you have yourself a unicorn to catch.

Note to self: Mountain Unicorns cannot be caught…not in the traditional sense, at least.

Are you involved with a Muni Man?  Don’t worry, my next edition of the ComMENtary will break down The 3 Rules for Engaging a Mountain Unicorn (with Favorable Results)

…TO BE CONTINUED.

About the Author:

Jason Miller is the co-creator of the documentary film and non-fiction book, “Project Everlasting: Two Bachelors Discover the Secrets of America’s Greatest Marriages”. (www.projecteverlasting.com)  Born March 2^nd, 1978, he is an avid member of the Mountain Unicorns! Foundation (MUF).