Dating With Dignity

Thursday, February 19, 2009 at 1:15pm | Delete
While this has been going around Facebook for weeks, it really made me think about perceptions, and how people make judgements based on perception. I know that perception is powerful, and in my effort to connect more deeply to people and bust right through perception, I have thus elaborated on the list I first posted.

Allow me to introduce my self….. authentic, flawed and spirited!

1. I went out for diving in high school so that I could go on road trips to away games with Jeannie Crabbe, who was my best friend. We went to exciting places in Iowa like Dubuque and Cedar Falls! Diving season in Iowa was cold, and we would sit in the back row of the bus trying to keep warm, waiting until the sunset turned into black night because then we felt hidden and secluded. Scheming was much more fun when attempted in the dark. When I was with Jeanne, sitting on that bus, I felt like I belonged somewhere. A feeling i didn’t experience much in high school.

2. The diamond fell out of my engagement ring on my wedding day. Even then I knew it was an omen, but I brushed the thought away. There were 250 guests waiting for me to walk down the aisle. I was 22.

3. I used to bite my nails until I was pregnant with Kloey. I was 30 years old, and went to a nail salon in Scottsdale where they put silk on my nails. I have worn silk on my nails since then. I like it better than acrylic because it suits me better. I think I bit them because I was nervous, but ultimately it made me feel powerful and rebellious because my mother couldn’t stand it. She always had long nails painted dark red. She wished more than anything that I would dress better. I used to wear Hanes Mens boxer shorts…that REALLY pissed her off.

4. After I gave birth to Rayna I was SO excited! I was ecstatic that I had another baby girl, but I was so thrilled that I could eat right away. I was STARVING!

5. I liked to have LOTS of people in the room during childbirth…it’s an excuse for a party. I am my mother’s daughter, right?!! My dad thought it was something he wanted to miss, but he ended up right there with us and it was a memory I will treasure forever!

6. I used to play school sitting on the staircase, pretending the staircase was my desk. I always wanted to be a teacher but my dad told me I wouldn’t ever make money if I became a teacher. He was right, but I treasure the few years I taught and the children and parents whose lives I touched. It is bittersweet to leave teaching children. I know that I am good at it, and it makes me sad that I am living proof that good teachers leave the profession because it is an economic sinkhole.

7. I had a big fat crush on Keith Partridge and Peter Brady. I have crushes every day. I have a crush on The Bachelor, Jason. I have a crush on a guy I saw in Yoga. I just love, love, love men. Sometimes, I even imagine some hot guy i see or talk to naked…. Do other women do this, or is it just me?!

8. The first concert I ever saw was “America” at the Five Seasons Center in Cedar Rapids! I loved going to concerts in high school. When I saw Tom Petty my friend Jeanne, (yes, the diving friend) went to sleep in the car while I mooched beers from guys who had fake IDs. I came back to the car when the concert was over!

9. I never went to prom, even though I was senior class president. I also had a very bad attitude about the entire thing. (sorry Sheila…!) Its interesting to meet other people who didn’t go to Prom, we feel instantly connected somehow.

10. I used to make up commercials in 5th grade with Kathy McCormick. Now I am teaching them to my children.

11. I sing 3 songs to Willow before bed, two of them are songs I made up. The other is one of a few my dad used to sing to me when I was growing up. I dread the day Willow gets too big, and no longer wants to hear the songs. I am sad that I don’t have babies anymore. I sometimes look longingly at moms with babies or toddlers. But then I get REALLY stoked that I can leave my kids alone for a few hours and that phase of my life is over. It’s hard to let go of phases.

12. I have to sleep with two pillows; one soft and the other as a firm placeholder.

13. I pretend that I need nyquil when sometimes I don’t. I am not one who is opposed to medicine or medicating to feel relief. However, when I hit my emotional bottom I was furious when someone suggested I take Zoloft, an anti-anxiety medication. Ultimately, I took it, but only for 6 months because one month after i started I participated in the Hoffman Process. The Process single-handedly changed my life.

14. My first kiss was during the movie Superman. I was wearing glasses and worried about those damn things the ENTIRE time. I got contacts shortly thereafter.

15. I went to France in 5th grade for a month with Michelle Fletcher. I kept a diary the entire time and gave each day a symbol to represent the day as being good, bad or awful. Seems I only wrote in the diary during awful days. When I was reading my old journals I kept from the age of 14-22 as part of research for my memoir, I noticed that throughout my life I rarely wrote when I was happy. Now I try to write every day, happy or sad.

16. I don’t call my dad, “Dad.” I call him “Zayde,” which is odd because he is not MY grandfather…. I called my mom “Gams” (which is short for Gammy, which is what my kids called my mother) I always make up names for people, and when I first started dating I rarely referred to any guy I dated by his first name, only his “given” name. Now I only refer to them by their first names. I think that means something deep!

17. I love not having to share the remote, but am now realizing that when I find the right person, he will share too.

18. I never pumped gas prior to getting a divorce. The other night I was on a date and needed gas in my car. I had driven because we were in my neighborhood. When the guy I was with offered to pump my gas, I felt as if he had offered to take me to Paris for the night…THAT’S how much I appreciated it.

19. The worst thing that happened to me, turned out to be the BEST thing that happened to me. Now, when things go awry (like most of 2008) I see it as an opportunity that God thinks I am ready for. I need to learn something new, and once I learn than I will experience more joy than I could imagine. I guess that’s why my life keeps getting better…!

20. I love MY bed. And when it comes to sleeping somewhere else, I have often wondered if leaving at 2am is an excuse to avoid being intimate with someone (there is nothing more intimate than waking up with morning breath and crack whore hair!) or just that I really like to wake up in my bed, with my pillows and my stuff just a few steps away.

21. I rode on the handlebars of a guy’s bike…and I was 42 years old when it happened. It was one of the top 5 times I consciously thought how much adventure and joy I have in my life. I am such a freespirit. The wind in my hair, balancing on the handlebars, cute surfer guy riding me through town. If I had a logo….it might represent that moment.

22. I didn’t drink for 22 years and then realized I could drink without being a drunk! It’s so anti AA, I know. Even though I am a huge believer in the 12 steps, I realized I had labeled myself without taking the time to know who I am and what I need.

23. I am now facing my biggest dream/biggest fear every day. I want to write. I want to help others in a significant way. And now the only obstacle in my way is fear. It’s so easy to “talk the talk,” but walking it and living it requires me to dig deep every minute of the day. I have to make choices about what my priorities will be, who I will seek advice from, and when I need to just listen to spirit.

24. My favorite place in the world is right in front of the Maui Marriott…on the beach… I spent one month in December healing on that beach from the challenges of 2008, which included the death of my mother, losing my job, having my purse stolen, and losing every single thing I had on my PC (including photos and videos of my family for the last 6 years). Throughout it all I had faith that once 2009 hit, my life would be transformed as a result of some sort of karmic reward for staying present in every horrific moment. Friends lifted me, family provided the wind in my sails, and the ocean breezes and hot sun reminded me that I am light and that I am always in the light. I knew I had let go of the pain when I heard that Rihanna song, Live Your Life while baking in the hot Maui sun on January 8. I cried, smiled and then sung out loud!

25. I’m not as tough as people think i am. Recently someone who had just met me said they didn’t perceive me as tough …or emotionally unavailable in any way. That is good news! As I am pulled toward manifesting my dreams and finding love my edges have softened. And that is very, very cool!